When The Boys Are Gone
by KeiGinya
Summary: Hermione knew that her hen night was ruined as it suddenly became a scene for When-Drunken-Mom-in-Laws-Attack-the-Stripper. Crossover with Ouran High School Host Club.


Title: When The Boys Are Gone...  
Author: KeiGinya  
Beta(s): gufymike, catharticdeficit  
Rating: **T** (lewd humor and Molly Weasley)  
Word Count: 2033  
Summary: Hermione knew that her hen night was ruined when it suddenly becomes a scene for When-Drunken-Mom-in-Laws-Attack-the-Stripper. And it also didn't occur to her that hen nights also include lap dancing. Crossover with Ouran High School Host Club.  
**Disclaimer:** The characters used in this story are the properties of their respective copyright holders and no claim is being held upon them by this author. No profit is being made with the writing of this piece of fiction.  
(And no strippers were hurt during the making of this oneshot.)

A/N: I never had any guy in mind other than the fact he was one of Arthur and Mollys' sons. So, whichever brother that floats your boat, pick him. Both Fred and George are alive here and Bill might or might not have married Fleur (if you chose Bill, think that the pair had become fascinated with each other in the summer of Fourth year or something). This was actually an offshoot of some other idea I had that didn't fit because this idea (inspired by gufy) was too hilarious but still had to be written. It gets a bit serious unintentionally but oh well.

* * *

"Oh, Ginny, you shouldn't have," Hermione remarked.

The redhead waved it off, "The least I can do for my future sister-in-law is to organize a hen party."

"No, really, you shouldn't have," the brunette deadpanned as she stared at the club front of the strip club she _really_ did not want to enter.

"Nonsense! It's your last night as a free woman, Hermione, let loose a little!" Ginny grabbed the protesting twenty-two year old and dragged her through the doors.

"So you'd want your hen night in a strip club too?" the older girl retorted sharply as she dug in her heels.

The single Weasley daughter stopped abruptly, almost causing Hermione to fall backwards from the sudden lack of resistance. Ginny turned to her friend with wide eyes and shivered, "Heavens no! Handling my mum for this night would be difficult enough, I'd want my hen night to be less stressful, thank you very much. Maybe a nice get together or the like."

Wrinkling her brow, Hermione echoed, "Your mother?"

"You'll see," Ginny only said, the words slightly foreboding, before walking away.

Hermione finally resigned herself for the night and looked around the club, quickly wishing she hadn't when she spotted the waiters' uniform: a bow tie and speedo.

"You should brace yourself if you're flinching at the waiters, Hermione."

The brunette turned to see Luna Lovegood and her signature dazed look as she stared at nothing in particular. The blonde locked eyes with her and said in her usual somber tones (which quite frankly did not match her outward appearance), "I was present at the brainstorming session and found that Ginny asked for the Full Monty with the strippers. Congratulations, by the way."

The twenty-two year old watched the Ravenclaw graduate glide away with round eyes. She looked around, seeing that most of the party was here, Ginny having rented the club out, and that it would be almost impossible to slip away now. Then, she spotted a man – obviously a stripper by his build and attire – dressed as a businessman with glasses and finally let out a whimper of fear.

The man tapped the mic in his hands, bringing the women's attention to him. He smiled handsomely, causing several women to give out sighs in the crowd, before asking, "Can Hermione Granger come up to the stage?"

Said woman froze, letting out another whimper as the Patil twins pushed her toward the stage with evil little giggles. Stumbling onto the stage, she locked brown eyes with gray behind oval frames, straightening up as her heart thudded so loudly within her ribcage Hermione thought she might throw up the organ.

A bit dazed, she stared at the stripper's smile and absently thought he had great teeth, her dentist parents' background coming to fore. He also had really good skin, and Hermione began to calm down somewhat.

There were hollers and hoots from the party, bringing the twenty-two year old back to the immediate situation and causing her to look around. Her eyes trailed to the chair being set in the middle of the walkway/stage.

Suddenly, the momentary calm disappeared, replaced by a feeling of dread.

When the man guided her to sit in the chair, Hermione covered her face with her hands. Oh, she was going to kill whichever muggle-born or half-blood who introduced the idea of lap dancing to Ginny.

"Are you okay?" the stripper asked with a disarming and slightly concerned smile.

Hermione shook her head slightly to try to push away the discomfort and sheer humiliation she was feeling before smiling back. "I'm... I'll live. Just go—" she choked slightly, "do your thing."

As the music came on, the smartest witch of her generation wondered if fainting now would be better than going through the lap dance.

Unfortunately, the fates weren't kind to the brunette and she sat through the entire thing blushing a Weasley red – which was fitting considering she was marrying into the family if she didn't die from shame because of this night – in utter mortification.

When the song stopped and the women cheered, Hermione was thanking whatever higher deity that let the dark-haired man keep his knickers on before pausing mid-prayer as something stood out from the cheering.

"Take the rest off, boy-toy!"

The brunette turned in the direction of the very familiar voice she knew she should recognize as she stepped down from the stage, Hermione's jaw dropping as she spotted...

"Oh my god! Mrs Weasley?!"

Hermione watched the matronly woman she knew since she was twelve in fascinated horror as the strippers started coming out to entertain the guests, the lap dance being an opening act, so to say.

"Shake that booty, studmuffin!"

"..."

That was going to be her mother-in-law.

"Now you understand why I can never take my mother out," Ginny said as she smacked her forehead after checking out what fascinated her future sister-in-law so much. "I better go keep an eye on her, have fun."

After watching women she saw in a school and work setting screaming their heads off like depraved maniacs as the men were in various stages of undress, Hermione thought that this would be a perfect time to get rip-roaring drunk, so headed toward the bar like a woman on a mission.

"Sweetie."

"Mum!" Hermione exclaimed, totally aghast. She had forgotten that her mother would also be attending the hen party, meaning the woman who gave birth to her just witnessed the most embarrassing moment of her life; she could practically fry an egg on her face, that was how hot it was.

"Interesting hen party," her mother said in her classically cultured accent. "Your sister-in-law organized it, correct?"

"Yes," Hermione brushed her knuckles against her heated cheeks, "I didn't really expect... this."

The older Granger woman laughed lightly, "Enjoy it, darling. I didn't get married until I was thirty-two and saw the world before that time. I've been to Amsterdam, sweetie."

There was a loud roar and Hermione turned around only to quickly look away when she found out the ruckus was over a stripper revealing his dangling bits.

"Of course, some of your friends seem a bit..."

"Yes," Hermione agreed with fervor before sitting next to her mother at the bar and looking for a bartender. "Oh!"

"Hello again," the-man-who-gave-her-a-lap-dance greeted, "Anything to drink?"

Hermione looked up and down the bar, finding him the only one with a shirt, though that didn't help much since the white shirt and black vest still reminded her of the outfit he wore up on the stage.

"Cognac."

"You have your father's tastes in liquor," her mum remarked as she took a sip of her own vodka on the rocks before turning her attention to the stage behind them.

Hermione looked at the bartender as he placed her drink in front of her. "You're not a stripper normally, I take it?" she said as a conversation starter, having noticed he looked a lot more fitting with clothing on.

He looked down and chuckled, "No, I'm not. I handle the bar but the bloke that was supposed to give you the lap dance is out and I was the only one who fit the outfit."

"I didn't notice, um," the twenty-two year old blushed as she thought what she wanted to say might come off as flirtation.

The bartender did that little laugh of his again, "I'll take that as a compliment; I'm assuming my time participating in a Host Club might have helped somewhat."

"So you're a bartender?" Hermione searched for another topic almost frantically as she heard another wave of screaming behind her.

Gray eyes returned to her. "Yes, part-time when I'm not studying."

"Oh, in what?"

"Medicine," he smiled and suddenly Hermione realized she didn't know his name. Her eyes darted toward where name tags were usually pinned on a shirt before noticing there wasn't one. Perceptively, the man noticed and gave another killer smile, "I'm Kyouya."

"You probably already know but I'm Hermione Granger," the brunette introduced herself. "You're studying medicine?"

"To better manage the family businesses," Kyouya affirmed.

Hermione's mother finally turned back to the bar, just in time for Kyouya to refill her glass. "The youngest son of the Ootori Group in Japan?"

"It's an interesting way to meet you, Madam," the man tilted his head in greeting and agreement.

"Mum?"

"Your father wanted—"

"Mum!"

The trio turned to look just as a red streak sped pass them followed by Ginny screaming her head off.

"Woowoo! Come to Mama!" Molly Weasley yelled at the naked man she was chasing after, whipping her bra(!) like a wet towel toward the stripper's derriere.

"Molly Weasley, stop that right now!" the younger redhead screeched.

The three watched the spectacle in stupefied silence before Kyouya inquired, "Is that your future mother-in-law?"

"Yes," Hermione answered weakly.

The two Granger women turned back to the bar to hopefully drink the traumatizing memory away.

"As I was going to say," Mrs Granger started again, "Your father wanted you to marry someone like Kyouya here. We were satisfied with being simple dental surgeons and having our own little practice but you were so brilliant when you were younger, darling, your father and I could see you were meant for the world of our families instead of the simple life we settled on."

"What are you doing now?" Kyouya asked.

"Oh, um, I work in a governmental position promoting equal rights. I'm mostly updating old laws and bills, currently," the twenty-two year old replied, slightly awkwardly since it seemed like her mother didn't approve of the family she was marrying into.

Granted, Molly wasn't painting a great picture at the moment and Arthur had been like a little child during second year simply because her parents were muggles.

"Ambitious," he said with a mysterious smile that sent a twinge through the brunette.

Mentally shaking herself, she asked, "Why are you bar-tending?"

"To experience this side of life," Kyouya replied matter-of-factly. "My family deals in hospitality and bar-tending _is_ a service."

"And the," she blushed, "Lap dance?"

He leaned toward her slightly and gave a smile capable of melting a lesser woman into goo, "Only for the heiress of two of the wealthiest families in Europe."

Mrs Granger laughed, "I can see why they say you're a charmer, Kyouya. Maybe you can give my Hermione the best time before she marries tomorrow."

"Mum!" Hermione breathed scandalized; her mother was definitely drunk.

"Mum!" Ginny exclaimed with the same tone at the same time.

As Hermione stared at her mother who bluntly propositioned the bartender for her, in the background, Molly Weasley had jumped on the stage and tackled down an unfortunate stripper with a crazed cackle.

--  
The Next Morning  
--

Harry Potter stared at his best female friend, as he wondered what happened on the girls' side that left Ginny blatantly ignoring her mother while Luna looked like she hit the proverbial jackpot.

"'Mione?"

"Yes, Harry?" Hermione said, covering her slight dark circles with cover-up, internally groaning as she discreetly tried to alleviate her aching body from drinking so much.

"What did you do for your hen night?"

"Hmm," Hermione hedged, "How about you boys?"

Hermione started doing her lips, granting her time to contemplate an answer.

"We went to a bar and got pissed as a donkey," Harry answered truthfully.

The twenty-two year old smacked her lips. "Oh, we did about the same," she said before slathering something to keep her lips moisturized.

"Really?"

"Hm."

"So you didn't have a male stripper?" Harry said jokingly, "Fred had a bet with George that you girls' did."

"Strippers?" Hermione repeated before saying in a casual voice, "Nope."

* * *

End Notes: Kyouya totally snuck himself in, bad boy. (He's from Ouran High School Host Club, the animanga.) So, the ending is a bit open. You could imagine the wedding goes through like normal, or that Hermione ditches the guy at the altar for Kyouya Ootori (I especially liked this idea if it was Ron she was to marry). As for what happened last night, whether something happened with Kyouya or not, I'll leave it for the readers to decide. :winks:

Not really grammar-grammer checked, so feel free to point out any mistakes I missed in the once over (frankly, the problems with FFnet have me just posting this so I can finally get it over with). I'd also love to hear your favorite line/part/quote in the story. Thanks again to catharticdeficit for making up a summary for me; I gotta do it myself one of these days before I start relying on her for every new story!


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